Lesson 001: Getting Your First Job

Good morning class, time to get out your pencils and notebooks and write some things down. Today's lesson is about getting that first job.

For whatever reason you need some extra money, usually something part-time to fit around your school work, this advice works equally well for full-time.

The HUNT: Finding a job
Unless you've got friends and family that can hand you a job, most of us start looking for work in the newspaper or on online classifieds. Choosing who to call can be tough because at this point in your life you've either never had a job or aren't qualified for anything other than flipping burgers.

Online or Newspaper Classifieds:

1. Avoid anything that says you can 'work from home' or make a ridiculous amount of money in a short time. These are ads designed to get you involved in pyramid schemes, which pay you zero dollars to start and by the time you start making any money you could have been raking in several paychecks from a regular job.


2. Look for words like Temp, Entry-level, No Experience Necessary, these are jobs looking for unskilled help. They pay much less, but you have to start at the bottom and work your way up. Nobody is just handed a decent salary, unless of course, you've got connections.
   


3. Write down the phone number and keep calling until you have three interviews. One at a time is a waste of time, see *Calling an Employer below.

Walk in and Ask:

The time honored tradition of walking into a business and asking for an application, it seems like a simple proposition, but here are a few tips.

1. Always wear nice clothing, something you might wear to work, when asking for an application. The people you ask will either be the manager, owner or people who may be a future co-worker. If you walk in looking like a homeless person or some getto, blinged up douche bag, your application is likely to go into the trash as soon as you walk out the door.


2. If the store isn't hiring, smile and thank them when they tell you 'we'll keep your application on record', leave a pleasant impression. If it's a mall job, they actually WILL keep it and call you when there is an opening. Act like a jerk and it goes in the trash.


3. Always allude to the fact that you are looking to leave your current job, even if you don't have one, because you're looking to move up. Most employers like to have their ego stroked a bit and enjoy hearing they are better than the last guy. If you don't actually have a job and your confronted on that fact in an interview, tell them you work for your family's business doing "__insert job__". Employers will NEVER call family because your mom and dad will be bias toward making you look good.
   

Jobs that Require Resumes

It's most likely, if you're in this circumstance, that you're applying for an office job. Good for you. There are very few jobs that pay so much, for doing so little. It sure beats the hell out of standing on your feet for 8 hours in a warehouse, or flipping burgers/washing dishes. If you're a high school kid, landing an office job is just about the best thing you can possibly do. Receptionist is the best, because of the varied job responsibilities it can involve, but probably won't. Some offices just have you sit on the phone, but others will make their receptionist handle spreadsheets, handle setting up meetings, parties and basically be an under paid, overworked, personal assistant. This is great for padding out resumes in the future, see *lying below.

Never written a resume? No problem, there are a ton of examples online you can take most word for word, changing a few nouns and proper names to fit your situation. NOBODY expects anything different from the usual, plain, boring resume and unless you are applying to be a creative consultant at a marketing firm, don't get cute. Google yourself up an example Cover Letter and Example Resume.

The Cover letter is a short introduction about your intention to apply for a job, your desire to work in a challenging field such as "__insert job__" and a person antidote about why your applying. The Resume is just raw facts such as skills, former employment, school.

You want to know the secret to a good resume? Lie. Lie your pants off. Everybody does it, even people who tell you thier honest are applying a liberal amount of shoe polish to make themselves look shiney and bright for employers. Lacking in experience? List your extensive use of computer programs in school and at home, claim your an expert using Microsoft Office Suite and if you arn't, you can always learn on the job. List in your skills how people friendly you are and how well you get along inside a team setting. If this is your first job, then point that out, in the cover letter, they will more than likely evaluate you on your hobbies. For students, hobbies are as important as former job experience. Lie again, tell them you're on every damn student council, sport team or honor's club. If you lack any previous jobs, under Work Experience list small jobs you've done (even if you haven't) such as babysitting, working for a family business or doing house maintenance for neighbors... anything that is unofficial, off the books, something they can't call around and confirm.

Side Note:
Lying in your resume may seem unfair and unethical, and if you were applying for a serious job it would be. But let's face it, you're jockeying for minimum or low wages here, nobody really cares if the receptionist fibbed. As long as you can prove your competent at the job inside the first week, you've nailed it. Remember, two dozen other people submitted a resume too, you simply want to look like the best of the worst. One monkey is as good as another in these types of jobs.

Calling an Employer

1. Call immediately, right now, as you read the ad, don't wait. It is a first come, first serve world, and hiring people is a thankless, joyless job that most employers want out of their hair ASAP.
   
2. Don't expect to talk to the owner, in many cases you will be getting the receptionist on the phone. She will be surly, irritated, abrupt and very occasionally sweet, but make no mistake she doesn't want to talk to students asking about jobs.
   
3. DON'T PANIC. It's nothing personal, just stay calm, announce your name and that you are calling about the job in the paper/seen online. They'll take it from there. Remember that she is just like you, working a minimum wage job she hates to pay for gasoline and getting drunk on Friday nights.
4. Sometimes you get the owner, he will be less well behaved than a receptionist and most likely talk to you like your an idiot. This is normal. Business owners are extremely stressed out and hate having to hire new people. With ever new person comes new problems, so go out of your way to make his life easy. Be calm, friendly and accommodating and if he says he'll call you back, don't get in his face about "when do you think you'll know".
5. Setup an interview or send them the information they want, right away.

The Interview
By now you should be noticing a theme, most employers do not like the process of hiring. It's time consuming, makes them no money and they have to deal with a lot of bizarre people. If your interviewing in a place that requested a resume, congrats you are almost to the goal, expect better treatment. For those of you who were asked to come in, sight-unseen, expect to be grilled like a Salem witch.

Here is a tip. Experience is about 30% of the hiring process, the other 70% is personality. You are selling yourself, not a paper full of factoids that could be a complete sham. Employers want to look you in the eye, stare at your clothes, hygiene, the way you speak and figure out how responsible a person you look to be.

1. Image is everything, dress well, clean, pressed and ready to walk on to the job immediately.
2. Take your time before answering questions, nod your head, think about the question for a few seconds and calmly respond. Sloooooooooooow the fuck down. Nervous people talk fast, and when people talk fast they're mouths tend to run in front of their brains. It doesn't take much for an employer to consider you weird. So reconsider telling them that story about how you accidentally left our hamster outside to freeze to death.
3. Don't fidget. Don't play with pencils, pieces of paper, class rings or curl your hair. Don't shuffle your feet around and don't put your head in your hand or on the desk.
4. Make eye contact when they ask you a question, look past their shoulder when answering. He's going to make you nervous so use it to your advantage. Most people lie while making eye contact, act like your really thinking it over and drawing out your answer from inside your head.
5. Ask what the position pays. Then ask for slightly more than what he's offering. Don't be surprised if they don't budge, but they'll respect you for asking. Sometimes you get it!
6. If the employer tells you something personal, don't try to one up them, just nod your head and say things like. "Really?" "Ok." "Interesting." "Huh." "Nice." They don't really care about your take on things, so keep personal antidotes to yourself unless specifically asked for them. If forced to chat, talk about the weather or sports. If they tell a joke, chuckle even if it's off color.
7. At some point an employer might ask you something like, "What do you want to get out of this job?" This is a trick question. The employer knows you're there for money, you know it too, but they want to shake your nerves up a bit and see if any weird falls out. Answer with an equivalent to this: "I'm saving up for a car/house/apartment/college fund." or "I was looking for something with a shorter commute and it was time for a change."
8. Every Interview ends, mostly with the words "We'll call you soon to let you know." The exit from the interview is very important because it's your last chance to make an impression. Most people will make a bee-line for the door, practicly running away. Don't do this. Get up slowly, as if you were merely rising to change a movie in a DVD, linger, stretch a bit and straighten up. Make sure your body language says, I'm in no hurry to go and I have something more to say. DO NOT half turn or lean toward the doorway as if some magnet is pulling you bodily from the room. Shake their hand, thank them for allowing you to come in and meet them and then say one of the following phrases before you turn and leave.

• I hope the weather gets cooler/hotter soon, it's been too ____ this week/weekend.
• Is it ok to call your receptionist in a few days to see if I got the job?
• Point out that there is a ______ insert sport game____ on tonight, and I hope the _____ kick butt.

While they respond to your comment, continue to remain relaxed and in no hurry to leave. When they're done thank them again and leave slowly and deliberately. What you are doing is making an impression, one that says, "I'm a regular guy/girl, I can hold a conversation and be polite." MOST people don't do this, so it sets you apart and they are more likely to remember you in a positive light. DON'T SKIP THIS STEP.

Ok class, that's all I have for now. Any questions?

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